| Certainly we have found nothing that even remotely | | | | psychology and Henry an executive in a huge |
| takes the place of love in our lives and our | | | | corporation. She said, when she was being offered a |
| relationships with each other, our children, their | | | | teaching and research job in a distant university:I love |
| children and their children's kids. With love, virtually | | | | Harry, I really do, but he cannot leave town with me. |
| everything falls into place. Without love, nothing fits | | | | Changing companies now would cost him a |
| well into the mosaic of a meaningful life.Also, after | | | | vice-presidency at 3 M and I cannot ask for that. But |
| everything else you can say about humans -- after | | | | then, I cannot see that my research and teaching |
| discussing the personality patterns, life-themes, | | | | about childhood learning is any less importance to |
| values, attitudes and expectations we write about, | | | | society than selling glue and sandpaper. If I insisted |
| we agree with psychological great -- Carl Rogers and | | | | he come to Columbus, he's soon resent me and If I |
| with John the Beloved Disciple. There are only two | | | | turned down my offer there to stay here with him, |
| kinds of people in the world. The two are not black | | | | I'd soon feel I'd given up too much after having |
| and white, rich and poor or even male and female, as | | | | worked so hard for my doctorate. I have to be true |
| much as we appreciate that last arrangement that | | | | to my own vision of a fulfilling life.Millie and Harry flew |
| seems especially created for our benefit.There are | | | | back and forth for a year or so but eventually |
| only persons who are capable of loving others and | | | | drifted apart and met and married other lovers. |
| persons who do not love anyone except those who | | | | Perhaps it was just as well they found someone else, |
| in one way or another contribute something of value | | | | for their careers meant more to them when they |
| to themselves. A vital factor we must discuss in the | | | | separated than the relationship.PHILOSOPHICAL |
| beginning is that while the love and sexual intimacy a | | | | LOVE -- (Purpose/Permanence) |
| couple shares is vital to satisfaction, the physical | | | | This third aspect of love includes the passion from |
| attractions of our youthful years are never enough | | | | the physical and the sense of belonging from the |
| to carry a man and woman through a life-time. In our | | | | psychological as it continues to include crucial spiritual |
| FULFILLMENT course, a companion program to this, | | | | elements of a lasting love relationship. The lovers |
| we have written extensively about existential | | | | have matured beyond the limitations of psychological |
| frustration and alienation that occurs when men and | | | | games that cause pain to become tender and |
| women fail to find a consistent sense of purpose in | | | | compassionate. They live with a lasting sense of |
| their lives. We cannot even find happiness by seeking | | | | purpose and permanence in the affair for they know |
| it -- happiness is a fleeting by-product of living a | | | | they belong together for life. The lovers support |
| consistently meaningful life. Like sleep during a | | | | each other against all attackers; see the relationship |
| restless night, the harder we pursue happiness, the | | | | as being spiritual and having mystical overtones. |
| faster it flees from us. When we spend our years | | | | There is neither a desire to find a substitute sexual |
| seeking happiness through pleasure, possessions, | | | | partner nor a determination to play a dominance |
| prestige and power -- lacking a sense of purpose in | | | | game through which the lover is manipulated and |
| our activities and permanence in our relationships, life | | | | used. Such a love affair has taken on a lovely patina |
| remains secular and pointless and becomes conflicted | | | | of faith, hope and love as well as grace, a glow that |
| with confusion and discouragement. And that is | | | | is shared in mutual satisfaction. The development of |
| simply too much to expect the sexual relationship of | | | | love at this level takes time, although for many it |
| a man and woman to overcome. Humans need more | | | | comes long before the later stages of one's life. The |
| -- we believe that each person requires the crucial | | | | whirling of two eccentric personalities around |
| support that comes from living a complete life -- that | | | | different centers of gravity sooner or later abraid a |
| occurs through:Worshipping devoutly, relating warmly, | | | | loving fit although for some time it may include |
| serving faithfully, learning wisely, persevering bravely | | | | considerable smoke and flying sparks!To best focus |
| and playing enthusiastically.Unless we develop mature | | | | your love in the philosophical aspects of life, mature |
| attitudes and high expectations, no marriage can | | | | as a person and behave as a loving soul:BECOME |
| succeed. Most young couples who divorce and put | | | | WARM AND ACCEPTING OF YOUR LOVER -- |
| their children under great stress simply abandon their | | | | Perceive the other as a viable and independent |
| marriages much too soon. There is a great deal to be | | | | personality rather than as a second rate appendage |
| said for toughing it out through the learning curve, | | | | to yourself.BECOME ENCOURAGING AND |
| for becoming better partners rather than shopping | | | | SUPPORTIVE OF KEY CHOICES -- Help your lover |
| around for some wonderful and perfect lover who | | | | become more and more knowledgeable and wise |
| will cater to your every whim. You shall have to | | | | about life's opportunities.BECOME TOLERANT OF |
| become a spiritually maturing person to whom your | | | | LIFE'S INEVITABLE GROWTH FRICTION -- No two |
| partner can relate in love and friendship, without | | | | persons ever mature at the same rate - one will |
| becoming your stooge. Hang on until both lovers | | | | grow, causing tension and only later will the other |
| become more mature along lifes' journey. Actually, in | | | | catch up.It's common for psychologists and |
| marriage as in most of life, much satisfaction comes | | | | counselors to recommend we accept the people we |
| from showing up when needed, just being there on | | | | love for what they are. However, that isn't good |
| time for the people who love you. | | | | enough for by accepting them as they already are, |
| A loving couple that matures in faith, hope and love, | | | | we may be condemning them to mediocrity. We |
| through grace within the physical, psychological and | | | | must accept the persons we help for what they |
| philosophical aspects of life, will love far more deeply | | | | have the potential to become. Don't nag, of course, |
| than they did during the simplistic and usually naive | | | | but help others mature consistently through the |
| sexual urges of youth.THE LOVE PYRAMID | | | | channels of fulfillment. Your spouse, your children and |
| | | | your friends and relatives deserve this of you.Always |
| To be at its best, love must mature up through the | | | | accept the fact that you can control only one half of |
| motivational pyramid shown here. To stop in one of | | | | a relationship, your half, while your lover controls his |
| the lower tiers is to limit the joy a person can enjoy | | | | or her half. Trying to control another adult's half is a |
| in a lasting relationship. | | | | quick step to a relationship disaster for no individual |
| | | | worthy of love and respect will let a neurotic control |
| Becoming *** PHILOSOPHICAL *** Purpose | | | | freak dominate themselves, their children and their |
| Permanence | | | | choices.Remember;The only way two lovers can |
| Doing *** PSYCHOLOGICAL *** Power/Prestige | | | | agree all the time is when one them stops |
| Having *** PHYSICAL *** Pleasure/PainPHYSICAL | | | | thinking.The only way to keep an accepting lover is |
| LOVE -- (Pleasure/Pain) | | | | to become an accepting lover.The fact that we |
| Love that is limited to the physical aspects of a | | | | disagree and occasionally quarrel doesn't mean we |
| relationship is focused largely on arousal, passion and | | | | are not in love. Two people in the very elastic |
| tension release. It makes little difference who the | | | | harness of marriage seldom mature at the same rate |
| partner is. Any compliant body can be used, for the | | | | and that spells trouble in many relationships. A woman |
| person is secondary to the pleasure being received | | | | who's been a secretary for twenty years and comes |
| by the user. Such physical passion can be shifted | | | | home one evening to announce she's been accepted |
| from one sexual supplier to another with little or no | | | | in a law school program is rocking her family's boat. |
| regret or concern, from one seduction to the next, | | | | So is the middle manager who informs his kids, |
| as Joe Namath boasted when he slept with a | | | | attending an exclusive and expensive private school, |
| thousand women in his first few years of playing | | | | that he's taking a year off work to write a novel, |
| professional football. Such a person can go from one | | | | that they'll have to attend a public school and stop |
| prostitute to another, from one singles bar to the | | | | buying designer clothes.Growth friction can be |
| next, from a tryst with one lover to a new one. One | | | | compared to movement between the earth's great |
| night stands, sexual fantasies, pornographic movies | | | | tectonic plates. The silent, hidden movement can be |
| and books and wily seductions occur within the | | | | so slow as to remain invisible for a long time although |
| physical aspects of love. When one person is used | | | | stresses keep building. Finally, the pressures become |
| for another's pleasure, even if both agree in advance, | | | | greater than the resistance and the landscape lurches |
| it is little more than mutual masturbation. If the other | | | | into motion as an earthquake. Sometimes windows |
| person is abused or damaged in the relationship, he | | | | are broken and crockery smashed. Some |
| or she can be discarded and replaced with no more | | | | long-standing buildings cannot take the strain and |
| regret than for a piece of malfunctioning machinery. | | | | they collapse. Just as many marriages do when the |
| Many adolescents, in the first wild rush of sexuality, | | | | relationship cannot stand the changes occurring in |
| relate to one another at this primitive level. | | | | them because the lovers mature at different speeds |
| Unfortunately, many adults fail to mature beyond it. | | | | and in different directions.PROJECT ONE -- LOVE |
| They continue romancing, marrying, divorcing and | | | | LEVEL IDENTIFICATIONTo discover the level of |
| romancing again in a madcap search for a perfect | | | | your love for another person, physical, psychological |
| partner, chasing the wild excitement of youth in a | | | | or philosophical, in the pleasure/pain, power/prestige |
| stage that needs a lot more stability in order to be | | | | or purpose/permanence aspects of existence, |
| satisfying.Only this morning as this chapter is being | | | | complete this project.FIRST -- Relax comfortably in a |
| written, we attended the funeral of a friend who | | | | chair or on a bed.Visualize in your mind the image of |
| made a great deal of money through his knowledge | | | | the person you now love or most recently loved in |
| and energy. Donald Knopf was as hard a worker as | | | | an adult relationship. Think of the reasons you loved |
| we've ever known, not only for himself but for the | | | | this person, recall his or her good points in the |
| poor and needy of the community. He gave an | | | | physical, psychological and philosophical aspects of life. |
| enormous amount of time and money to helping | | | | Fix the image of that lover firmly in your |
| people with problems. Nevertheless, as his friends and | | | | mind.SECOND -- Accept the fact or a terrible |
| relatives filled the front pews, we've never seen such | | | | tragedy.Through an automobile accident or an |
| a complex mix of brothers and sisters, half sisters | | | | unexpected illness, your lover dies suddenly. He or |
| and brothers, cousins, in-laws and former wives in our | | | | she is gone - there's no doubt about it. You are left |
| lives. At the age of fifty-five Don was still falling in | | | | alone. Accept your loss, mourn it deeply, feel |
| and out of love like a teenager, still drifting from one | | | | frustration and anger but in time you realize you |
| woman to the next, giving her several children before | | | | must continue living. There is your job to do and |
| falling out of love and seeking a better partner. He | | | | children to love, friends to support -- so you start |
| never did think in terms of becoming a better | | | | adapting despite the deep loss.THIRD -- Receive a |
| husband and father rather than wanting a perfect | | | | great gift from God.Through the remarkable science |
| lover who would let him feel the sexual excitement | | | | of cloning, God offers you a perfect double of that |
| of youth again. He never matured into the second | | | | dear, lost lover. The clone is perfect in every detail. |
| and third tier of a loving relationship and if he enjoyed | | | | He or she looks talks and thinks like the lover, makes |
| a long succession of sexual partners, his dozen | | | | love the same way and supports you in the same |
| children from several families have had a difficult time | | | | manner. He or she wants your support also.There is |
| growing up without a father.PSYCHOLOGICAL LOVE | | | | only one catch in your miracle. You and your newly |
| -- (Power/Prestige) | | | | restored lover didn't share the mutual experiences |
| In this aspect of a relationship, physical arousal, | | | | and relationships you had in the past. Both the good |
| pleasure and satiation occurs as in the physical but | | | | and the bad are missing from the relationship you and |
| the affection doesn't stop there. This is a deeper | | | | your original lover shared. You are starting at square |
| relationship that binds lovers together as they mature | | | | one now.NOW -- To identify the level at which your |
| through the more complex needs and activities of | | | | current love is operating, transfer your love to the |
| adult love. The lovers not only desire one another for | | | | newly cloned lover. Tell how you shall do that.If you |
| what each offers, but both have a deeper | | | | can readily transfer your love to the new lover, your |
| investment in the other's health and happiness. They | | | | love is operating at the pleasure/pain or physical |
| trust each other with their egos, because loving | | | | level.If your love can be transferred with some new |
| another person makes you vulnerable as well as | | | | experiences and a growing relationship, it is |
| calling up protective feelings. This is the level at which | | | | functioning at the power/prestige or psychological |
| many good marriages and love affairs function, | | | | level.If your love cannot be transferred without an |
| especially in the more mellow middle years and while | | | | entire galaxy of mutually satisfying experiences, your |
| the lovers do care deeply about each other, they | | | | love is currently at the purpose/permanence or the |
| may still have difficult times. After all, while you and | | | | philosophical level.Jard & Roberta DeVille; published |
| your lover love each other, differences of opinion | | | | psychology books, seminars & psychological |
| and a variety of needs remain. Few couples never | | | | assessment instruments. NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST |
| quarrel just because they love one another. Jard | | | | was a best seller. He & Roberta wrote 'LOVERS FOR |
| knew two young people who lived together as | | | | LIFE' and other courses/books together. She's been a |
| lovers without making the final commitment of | | | | wonderful teacher in Minneapolis for many years. |
| marriage. Mildred was a graduate student in | | | | |