| Certainly we have found nothing that even | | | | variety of needs remain. Few couples never |
| remotely takes the place of love in our lives | | | | quarrel just because they love one another. |
| and our relationships with each other, our | | | | Jard knew two young people who lived together |
| children, their children and their children's | | | | as lovers without making the final commitment |
| kids. With love, virtually everything falls | | | | of marriage. Mildred was a graduate student |
| into place. Without love, nothing fits well | | | | in psychology and Henry an executive in a |
| into the mosaic of a meaningful life.Also, | | | | huge corporation. She said, when she was |
| after everything else you can say about | | | | being offered a teaching and research job in |
| humans -- after discussing the personality | | | | a distant university:I love Harry, I really |
| patterns, life-themes, values, attitudes and | | | | do, but he cannot leave town with me. |
| expectations we write about, we agree with | | | | Changing companies now would cost him a |
| psychological great -- Carl Rogers and with | | | | vice-presidency at 3 M and I cannot ask for |
| John the Beloved Disciple. There are only | | | | that. But then, I cannot see that my |
| two kinds of people in the world. The two are | | | | research and teaching about childhood |
| not black and white, rich and poor or even | | | | learning is any less importance to society |
| male and female, as much as we appreciate | | | | than selling glue and sandpaper. If I |
| that last arrangement that seems especially | | | | insisted he come to Columbus, he's soon |
| created for our benefit.There are only | | | | resent me and If I turned down my offer there |
| persons who are capable of loving others and | | | | to stay here with him, I'd soon feel I'd |
| persons who do not love anyone except those | | | | given up too much after having worked so hard |
| who in one way or another contribute | | | | for my doctorate. I have to be true to my |
| something of value to themselves. A vital | | | | own vision of a fulfilling life.Millie and |
| factor we must discuss in the beginning is | | | | Harry flew back and forth for a year or so |
| that while the love and sexual intimacy a | | | | but eventually drifted apart and met and |
| couple shares is vital to satisfaction, the | | | | married other lovers. Perhaps it was just as |
| physical attractions of our youthful years | | | | well they found someone else, for their |
| are never enough to carry a man and woman | | | | careers meant more to them when they |
| through a life-time. In our FULFILLMENT | | | | separated than the relationship.PHILOSOPHICAL |
| course, a companion program to this, we have | | | | LOVE -- (Purpose/Permanence) |
| written extensively about existential | | | | |
| frustration and alienation that occurs when | | | | This third aspect of love includes the |
| men and women fail to find a consistent sense | | | | passion from the physical and the sense of |
| of purpose in their lives. We cannot even | | | | belonging from the psychological as it |
| find happiness by seeking it -- happiness is | | | | continues to include crucial spiritual |
| a fleeting by-product of living a | | | | elements of a lasting love relationship. The |
| consistently meaningful life. Like sleep | | | | lovers have matured beyond the limitations of |
| during a restless night, the harder we pursue | | | | psychological games that cause pain to become |
| happiness, the faster it flees from us. When | | | | tender and compassionate. They live with a |
| we spend our years seeking happiness through | | | | lasting sense of purpose and permanence in |
| pleasure, possessions, prestige and power -- | | | | the affair for they know they belong together |
| lacking a sense of purpose in our activities | | | | for life. The lovers support each other |
| and permanence in our relationships, life | | | | against all attackers; see the relationship |
| remains secular and pointless and becomes | | | | as being spiritual and having mystical |
| conflicted with confusion and discouragement. | | | | overtones. There is neither a desire to find |
| And that is simply too much to expect the | | | | a substitute sexual partner nor a |
| sexual relationship of a man and woman to | | | | determination to play a dominance game |
| overcome. Humans need more -- we believe | | | | through which the lover is manipulated and |
| that each person requires the crucial support | | | | used. Such a love affair has taken on a |
| that comes from living a complete life -- | | | | lovely patina of faith, hope and love as well |
| that occurs through:Worshipping devoutly, | | | | as grace, a glow that is shared in mutual |
| relating warmly, serving faithfully, learning | | | | satisfaction. The development of love at |
| wisely, persevering bravely and playing | | | | this level takes time, although for many it |
| enthusiastically.Unless we develop mature | | | | comes long before the later stages of one's |
| attitudes and high expectations, no marriage | | | | life. The whirling of two eccentric |
| can succeed. Most young couples who divorce | | | | personalities around different centers of |
| and put their children under great stress | | | | gravity sooner or later abraid a loving fit |
| simply abandon their marriages much too soon. | | | | although for some time it may include |
| There is a great deal to be said for | | | | considerable smoke and flying sparks!To best |
| toughing it out through the learning curve, | | | | focus your love in the philosophical aspects |
| for becoming better partners rather than | | | | of life, mature as a person and behave as a |
| shopping around for some wonderful and | | | | loving soul:BECOME WARM AND ACCEPTING OF YOUR |
| perfect lover who will cater to your every | | | | LOVER -- Perceive the other as a viable and |
| whim. You shall have to become a spiritually | | | | independent personality rather than as a |
| maturing person to whom your partner can | | | | second rate appendage to yourself.BECOME |
| relate in love and friendship, without | | | | ENCOURAGING AND SUPPORTIVE OF KEY CHOICES -- |
| becoming your stooge. Hang on until both | | | | Help your lover become more and more |
| lovers become more mature along lifes' | | | | knowledgeable and wise about life's |
| journey. Actually, in marriage as in most of | | | | opportunities.BECOME TOLERANT OF LIFE'S |
| life, much satisfaction comes from showing up | | | | INEVITABLE GROWTH FRICTION -- No two persons |
| when needed, just being there on time for the | | | | ever mature at the same rate - one will grow, |
| people who love you. | | | | causing tension and only later will the other |
| | | | catch up.It's common for psychologists and |
| A loving couple that matures in faith, hope | | | | counselors to recommend we accept the people |
| and love, through grace within the physical, | | | | we love for what they are. However, that |
| psychological and philosophical aspects of | | | | isn't good enough for by accepting them as |
| life, will love far more deeply than they did | | | | they already are, we may be condemning them |
| during the simplistic and usually naive | | | | to mediocrity. We must accept the persons |
| sexual urges of youth.THE LOVE PYRAMID | | | | we help for what they have the potential to |
| | | | become. Don't nag, of course, but help others |
| | | | mature consistently through the channels of |
| | | | fulfillment. Your spouse, your children and |
| To be at its best, love must mature up | | | | your friends and relatives deserve this of |
| through the motivational pyramid shown here. | | | | you.Always accept the fact that you can |
| To stop in one of the lower tiers is to limit | | | | control only one half of a relationship, your |
| the joy a person can enjoy in a lasting | | | | half, while your lover controls his or her |
| relationship. | | | | half. Trying to control another adult's half |
| | | | is a quick step to a relationship disaster |
| | | | for no individual worthy of love and respect |
| | | | will let a neurotic control freak dominate |
| Becoming *** PHILOSOPHICAL *** Purpose | | | | themselves, their children and their |
| Permanence | | | | choices.Remember;The only way two lovers can |
| | | | agree all the time is when one them stops |
| Doing *** PSYCHOLOGICAL *** Power | | | | thinking.The only way to keep an accepting |
| Prestige | | | | lover is to become an accepting lover.The |
| | | | fact that we disagree and occasionally |
| Having *** PHYSICAL *** Pleasure | | | | quarrel doesn't mean we are not in love. Two |
| PainPHYSICAL LOVE -- (Pleasure/Pain) | | | | people in the very elastic harness of |
| | | | marriage seldom mature at the same rate and |
| Love that is limited to the physical aspects | | | | that spells trouble in many relationships. A |
| of a relationship is focused largely on | | | | woman who's been a secretary for twenty years |
| arousal, passion and tension release. It | | | | and comes home one evening to announce she's |
| makes little difference who the partner is. | | | | been accepted in a law school program is |
| Any compliant body can be used, for the | | | | rocking her family's boat. So is the middle |
| person is secondary to the pleasure being | | | | manager who informs his kids, attending an |
| received by the user. Such physical passion | | | | exclusive and expensive private school, that |
| can be shifted from one sexual supplier to | | | | he's taking a year off work to write a novel, |
| another with little or no regret or concern, | | | | that they'll have to attend a public school |
| from one seduction to the next, as Joe Namath | | | | and stop buying designer clothes.Growth |
| boasted when he slept with a thousand women | | | | friction can be compared to movement between |
| in his first few years of playing | | | | the earth's great tectonic plates. The |
| professional football. Such a person can go | | | | silent, hidden movement can be so slow as to |
| from one prostitute to another, from one | | | | remain invisible for a long time although |
| singles bar to the next, from a tryst with | | | | stresses keep building. Finally, the |
| one lover to a new one. One night stands, | | | | pressures become greater than the resistance |
| sexual fantasies, pornographic movies and | | | | and the landscape lurches into motion as an |
| books and wily seductions occur within the | | | | earthquake. Sometimes windows are broken and |
| physical aspects of love. When one person is | | | | crockery smashed. Some long-standing |
| used for another's pleasure, even if both | | | | buildings cannot take the strain and they |
| agree in advance, it is little more than | | | | collapse. Just as many marriages do when the |
| mutual masturbation. If the other person is | | | | relationship cannot stand the changes |
| abused or damaged in the relationship, he or | | | | occurring in them because the lovers mature |
| she can be discarded and replaced with no | | | | at different speeds and in different |
| more regret than for a piece of | | | | directions.PROJECT ONE -- LOVE LEVEL |
| malfunctioning machinery. Many adolescents, | | | | IDENTIFICATIONTo discover the level of your |
| in the first wild rush of sexuality, relate | | | | love for another person, physical, |
| to one another at this primitive level. | | | | psychological or philosophical, in the |
| Unfortunately, many adults fail to mature | | | | pleasure/pain, power/prestige or purpose |
| beyond it. They continue romancing, | | | | permanence aspects of existence, complete |
| marrying, divorcing and romancing again in a | | | | this project.FIRST -- Relax comfortably in a |
| madcap search for a perfect partner, chasing | | | | chair or on a bed.Visualize in your mind the |
| the wild excitement of youth in a stage that | | | | image of the person you now love or most |
| needs a lot more stability in order to be | | | | recently loved in an adult relationship. |
| satisfying.Only this morning as this chapter | | | | Think of the reasons you loved this person, |
| is being written, we attended the funeral of | | | | recall his or her good points in the |
| a friend who made a great deal of money | | | | physical, psychological and philosophical |
| through his knowledge and energy. Donald | | | | aspects of life. Fix the image of that lover |
| Knopf was as hard a worker as we've ever | | | | firmly in your mind.SECOND -- Accept the fact |
| known, not only for himself but for the poor | | | | or a terrible tragedy.Through an automobile |
| and needy of the community. He gave an | | | | accident or an unexpected illness, your lover |
| enormous amount of time and money to helping | | | | dies suddenly. He or she is gone - there's no |
| people with problems. Nevertheless, as his | | | | doubt about it. You are left alone. Accept |
| friends and relatives filled the front pews, | | | | your loss, mourn it deeply, feel frustration |
| we've never seen such a complex mix of | | | | and anger but in time you realize you must |
| brothers and sisters, half sisters and | | | | continue living. There is your job to do and |
| brothers, cousins, in-laws and former wives | | | | children to love, friends to support -- so |
| in our lives. At the age of fifty-five Don | | | | you start adapting despite the deep |
| was still falling in and out of love like a | | | | loss.THIRD -- Receive a great gift from |
| teenager, still drifting from one woman to | | | | God.Through the remarkable science of |
| the next, giving her several children before | | | | cloning, God offers you a perfect double of |
| falling out of love and seeking a better | | | | that dear, lost lover. The clone is perfect |
| partner. He never did think in terms of | | | | in every detail. He or she looks talks and |
| becoming a better husband and father rather | | | | thinks like the lover, makes love the same |
| than wanting a perfect lover who would let | | | | way and supports you in the same manner. He |
| him feel the sexual excitement of youth | | | | or she wants your support also.There is only |
| again. He never matured into the second and | | | | one catch in your miracle. You and your |
| third tier of a loving relationship and if he | | | | newly restored lover didn't share the mutual |
| enjoyed a long succession of sexual partners, | | | | experiences and relationships you had in the |
| his dozen children from several families have | | | | past. Both the good and the bad are missing |
| had a difficult time growing up without a | | | | from the relationship you and your original |
| father.PSYCHOLOGICAL LOVE -- (Power/Prestige) | | | | lover shared. You are starting at square one |
| | | | now.NOW -- To identify the level at which |
| | | | your current love is operating, transfer your |
| In this aspect of a relationship, physical | | | | love to the newly cloned lover. Tell how |
| arousal, pleasure and satiation occurs as in | | | | you shall do that.If you can readily transfer |
| the physical but the affection doesn't stop | | | | your love to the new lover, your love is |
| there. This is a deeper relationship that | | | | operating at the pleasure/pain or physical |
| binds lovers together as they mature through | | | | level.If your love can be transferred with |
| the more complex needs and activities of | | | | some new experiences and a growing |
| adult love. The lovers not only desire one | | | | relationship, it is functioning at the power |
| another for what each offers, but both have a | | | | prestige or psychological level.If your love |
| deeper investment in the other's health and | | | | cannot be transferred without an entire |
| happiness. They trust each other with their | | | | galaxy of mutually satisfying experiences, |
| egos, because loving another person makes you | | | | your love is currently at the purpose |
| vulnerable as well as calling up protective | | | | permanence or the philosophical level.Jard & |
| feelings. This is the level at which many | | | | Roberta DeVille; published psychology books, |
| good marriages and love affairs function, | | | | seminars & psychological assessment |
| especially in the more mellow middle years | | | | instruments. NICE GUYS FINISH FIRST was a |
| and while the lovers do care deeply about | | | | best seller. He & Roberta wrote 'LOVERS FOR |
| each other, they may still have difficult | | | | LIFE' and other courses/books together. She's |
| times. After all, while you and your lover | | | | been a wonderful teacher in Minneapolis for |
| love each other, differences of opinion and a | | | | many years. |